Well, this was it, Shawn thought as he loaded the last box into the moving truck. Somehow the nightmare was real, his dad was dead and he was moving in with his mother. This oughta be interesting. The last time they spent more than a weekend together they ended up fighting and Shawn had returned to his father’s house six hours earlier than the original arrangement. Shawn knew that wouldn’t be an option anymore so his first order of business would have to be to find a place of his own. A place where he could go to be alone. A place where he could hide when he couldn’t take the chaos anymore. It would have to be somewhere quiet. And not somewhere too obvious, like a treehouse or something lame like that. Something exciting, like a secret cave or hidden passageway or something. Of course, the chances of finding such a thing in the little house his mom lived in would be next to impossible, but Shawn held on to the little bit of hope that he had. There must be somewhere…In the end he found a little crawl space in the back of his bedroom closet. It was perfect. Shawn lay down on his bed, exhausted from the move, and promptly fell asleep.
Shortly after waking up Shawn found himself sitting beside his mother on the couch pretending to watch a tv. show. Celia must have noticed his distraction and she asked him if he wanted anything to eat.
“Not really.”
“A drink then?” she paused, waiting for a response. When none came she continued, “anything at all?”
“No thanks.” Shawn started to pick at the fabric of a button adorning the seat cushion beside him.
“Honey,” his mom began. “I know things look dark right now, but we’re gonna get through this. I promise.”
“I know mom.” Shawn said noncommittally. “I’m fine, really.”
Celia knew he wasn’t really fine, how could he be when he had just lost his father, but decided not to press the issue further. They watched tv together until Shawn silently got up from the couch and went to his bedroom, closing the door softly behind him. Celia went to fix herself another drink then retired to her own bedroom for the night.
Shawn woke up feeling worse than he had felt in years. Not only did the memory of his recent loss hit him like a suckerpunch to the stomach, but he felt shaky and achy and desperately dizzy. No wonder he had been feeling so lousy lately, he was sick. He called for his mom who entered his room with a look of concern.
“Oh no, you’re not sick are you?” She immediately laid a cool hand on his forehead to check his temperature. He felt a little warm, but Celia wanted to be sure. “I’ll get the thermometre.”
It was established that Shawn was indeed sick with a low-grade fever. Celia hadn’t planned on sending him to school for a few days in order to help him transition and grieve but with him sick he would have to stay in bed. She couldn’t help a swell of panic that rose in her throat as she thought about how she was going to care for him. Permanently. With no safety net. She pushed her worries to the back of her mind and went to fix herself a drink. It was a little early in the day, but it was sure to be stressful and she needed all the extra oomph she could get. She took a sip and put her glass down on the kitchen counter, then returned to Shawn’s room.
“You know,” she said. “When I was a little girl and I got sick, my mom used to read me stories. Would you like me to read to you?”
“Maybe later.” Shawn was a little embarrassed at the thought of his mom reading to him like a little kid. “I just want to sleep.”
“Okay kiddo.” Celia left him with a kiss on the forehead.
“I don’t know what to do, Shar, I just can’t seem to connect with him.” Celia said to her sister over the phone. “He shoots down anything I suggest we do together unless it involves sitting in front of the tv. I feel like I don’t even know my own son.”
“Give it time.” Sharon’s voice, a little tinny over the receiver, rang out like a beautiful melody. “He’s going through a lot right now.”
“I know, I’m trying to be patient with him but it’s been like this for years.” Celia said. “This isn’t something new I’m dealing with, it’s just piled underneath all the new stuff. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this.”
“Try to relax. I’ll help out as much as I can, but remember, this is a big transition for you too. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.”
“I know. I know.” Celia sighed. “My anxiety is off the charts. I’m so scared I won’t be a good mom to him.”
“You’re a great mom!” Sharon reassured her. “I mean, you probably should drink a little less, and stop worrying so much, but otherwise you’re amazing!”
“Thanks…I think.”
“No, really! You’re gonna be great! Just be patient and try to understand how he feels. He just lost his father.”
“I know.” Celia stood up and started pacing the room. “Thanks Sharon.”
“Hey, anytime. You know I love you.”
“Love you too.”
The funeral was small, very beautiful, and horrifically sad. Shawn, finally over his little bout of illness, sat dry-eyed and stared at the other, mostly weeping, guests. He felt so hollow, so empty inside, that he couldn’t even summon the energy to cry. He didn’t understand how this could be happening. He kept expecting to wake up and find everything back to normal. But the longer this nightmare continued, the more real it became, and Shawn began to fear the inevitable reality of his situation. He thought of all the great times he shared with his dad. He remembered the day they spent together at the beach the previous summer. He remembered how his dad kept pretending to fall down when they played volleyball. He could be such a comedian sometimes, always trying to make Shawn laugh. He remembered the football game they went to, and every fishing trip they ever went on. He remembered the smell of his father’s aftershave and the way his belly would bounce when he laughed too hard. How could this man, this hero, possibly be gone? Shawn would never see him again, would never hear him laugh again or give him another hug goodnight. He was gone. Shawn wept silently as his Uncle Paul sang Amazing Grace, bringing the service to an end.
“Man, am I ever glad to see you back!” Colby came running up to Shawn as soon as he saw him enter the schoolyard. “We have a substitute teacher today!”
“Really?” Shawn’s heart started beating a little faster at the promise of mischief. “What’s the plan?”
“Well, some of us guys caught a garter snake and put it in her desk drawer.” Colby grinned. “Do you have any other ideas?”
“We can switch names again.” Shawn suggested. “Or maybe pretend we don’t speak english.”
“Names for sure!” Colby agreed. “Let’s go tell the others before the bell rings.”
Miss. Heinz, it turned out, loved snakes. When she opened the drawer of the desk she appeared delighted at her little surprise and insisted on finding a little box to keep him in until she could release him during recess. The boys all let out sighs of disappointment. Their little name switching plan had failed also. Rebecca, one of the prettiest yet most annoying girls in his class, had decided to kiss up to the teacher and offered to take attendance. Since she knew everyone in the class there was no way the boys would be able to trick her into believing their names had all changed spontaneously. They abandoned their plan and put all their collective hope in the surprise waiting in the darkness of the desk drawer. It was probably better this way anyway, thought Shawn. At least now nobody would get in trouble.
“Wanna come over to my house after school?” Colby whispered to Shawn.
“Yeah.” Shawn agreed. That sounded like fun and he could use some fun. Shawn had been feeling mostly sad and angry for what felt like a long time. A little fun might be just what he needed.